FUNCTIONS
I
always try to pick the best stories I receive--
But,
of course, I'm not objective. Who is? (If you are, please don't
write in to tell me so.) The point is, I get a LOT of gross disgusting
stories about bodily functions. I generally don't draw them. Why?
I certainly acknowledge that they're atrociously embarrassing and
repugnant. Shitters, farters, and possessors of public hard-ons
everywhere will certainly relate to them. But I personally don't
think they're all that interesting. Even though some of the stories
are funny and resonant, I just don't feel that farting or shitting
stand by themselves as reliable geek indicators. Sometimes I'll
do one if the circumstances surrounding the function are entertaining
enough; but generally, nah.
I
expect PGS readers would fall into "Pro" and "Anti"
camps too. But because this is a strip by The People, and this new
website now gives me the freedom to publish material I've never
used, I thought I would use the opportunity to finally give this
previously voiceless, disfranchised group of pants pissers and power
pukers its say.
Here
now, with minimal editing, is a small sampling of the bodily function
stories you have sent me. Am I preserving the good name of PGS or
am I just being a prude? Let me know what you think.
In
high school physics class I went up to the front of the class to
sharpen my pencil. We were working on problems do it was really
quiet in class. I sneezed so hard that I farted. I panicked and
went back to my seat without even sharpening my pencil. I was so
embarrassed to see my friend as well as the teached trying hard
not to laugh. The next week all I heard were farting noises made
by students in class and as I walked the halls.
-
Jessica
In
6th grade I was a pathetic geek. (Who wasnt). Things were looking
up however when i was invited to Peter's birthday party.
This
was a big deal... to be around all the cool people and to be invited
to a party! I was determined to be make an impression.
The
party was held in the backyard. I gorged myself on hot dogs, then
cake and kool aid. Then more cake and kool aid. I was in the way
back of the yard in the tree fort, with some kids when I began to
feel sick.
I
immediately jumped down from the tree, running towards the house
as fast as I could, through the crowds of kids(probalbly 30 to 40
of them. (EVERYBODY fro m our grade)
With
my scrawny pasty white legs I began to run up the back stairs (with
white carpets) to the bathroom. I didnt make it....
I
completely lost control, sending diarrhea shooting out down my legs
and onto the nice clean carpet. I kept running to the bathrrom,
and locked myself in.
Crying
hystericall and hearing all the cries and laughter from the kids
outside I finished..
Peter's
mom knocked on the door with a set of his clothing, and took mine
to wash. (I think they had to replace the carpet)
In
humiliation I was picked up by my mom in the shitbox Fairmont station
wagon. (This was an upper middle class town... more BMW's than Fairmonts)
I
didnt get invited to many more parties, needless to say, and for
a few years after was known as The party pooper" What could
of been....
-John
ONe
time i went to the st louis arch with my family and as we got into
the elevator i got so scared on the ride up that i shit my pants!!!
-A.
(guy)
Good
day! My name is Robert, and I have a story that might possibly amuse
you. When I was a wee lad, I found himself wandering my church's
parking lot. At the time, it was devoid of people. Suddenly, I felt
the urge to go to the bathroom and, noting that nobody was outside
except a few cars, I went to the bushes to do my business. To my
chagrin, there was a van in the lot with tinted windows, which housed
several little girls who saw me lose a couple fluid ounces. They
giggled at me, but I pretended not to know that they saw.
Hope
you found this amusing. :)
When
I was a senior, I signed up to take the SAT's. The night before,
I went with a friend to a Mexican restaurant to celebrate her birthday,
where I ate many enchiladas. The next day as I took my SAT's, I
realized I really had to go to the bathroom, but if I left the room
my test scores would be cancelled. So I pooped my pants. Everyone
could smell it. During the short break I ran to the bathroom to
clean up as best I could, but it didn't help. I got a 1330 on the
test but went home humiliated and stinky.
-Adrienne
I
went to a large public school for the first time in seventh grade.
Before that, I had attended a small private school. On my first
day, I really wanted people to like me, so I was especially open
and friendly. Lo and behold, in my English class, a cool guy asked
me what my name was! I told him, "Daniel." As I turned
around to go to my seat, he let out a roaring fart and yelled, "Oh
my god! Daniel, what's wrong with you?!" Everyone laughed except
for me, and I sat down in my seat in shame and embarrassment. From
then on, I had only horrible experiences in public school.
once
when i was at disneyworld on vacation with my family i had to go
#2 really bad, but i was too embarrassed to do it in the funpark
bathrooms. finally, my bowels gave out and i cut a liquid fart in
my shorts. nobody else wanted to leave, so i had to wear my dad's
jacket for the rest of the day to hide the stain my pants. . .i
was 15 when this happened.
-dave
Once
in college, I was at this party and really had to take a shit. So,
I went upstairs to use the bathroom and someone was in there. I
was about to expel waste manner into my pants, so I started checking
all of the bedroom doors. The doors were all locked so no one could
break in during the party and steal something. So, I literally kicked
open one of the bedroom doors, took a shit in someone's closet,
then sneaked out of the party. On Monday, everyone was relating
the story and trying to find out who did it. I just sat there making
believe I wasn't listening.
-Thomas
When
I was about 10 I was playing Defender at an arcade and got so excited
playing the game that I wet my pants - something which had not happened
in years. It was a long run to the mall restrooms, and when I got
there, two older girls were hanging out near them. I heard them
laughing as I rushed in to clean myself up. The hand dryer sort
of helped. When I went back out, the girls were still there, laughing
and looking at me. When I lied and said that I had spilled a Coke
on myself, they just said, "Yeah right!" and laughed harder.
Later,
as my Grandma drove me and my friend home, she said that she thought
something smelled funny, but I said I couldn't smell anything.
-Doug
When
i was in 8th grade, i was in my 7th hour choir class where i sat
nearby one of the cutest girls. I had the biggest crush on her forever.
So
i sent her a note to ask her out to the dance on that Friday. She
said yes and on the night of the dance, i wasn't feeling good, but
I had to go, so i went anyways. So we we're dancing, and after the
song was over i felt sick, so i started for the bathroom, but heaved
my guts out. She broke up with me 3 days later.
-Justin
During
the 7th grade I had to sing a solo during part of our Christmas
performance. Right before I had to sing I became nervous, which
prompted the early teen responce of a boner. I did my part and then
stepped back. I was relieved when nobody said anything to me after
the show. When I got in the car my brother said, "Nice job...showing
200 people your boner!!!"
-John
When
I was a freshman in high school, I was somewhat well-known through
my older, and more popular brother, so going to my first dance,
I figured I might not feel too awkward.
I
got to the dance, and soon found a nitche, and occaisonally found
myself in the lurch behind my brother and his friends. After a short
time, I was asked to dance by a very attractive girl that knew my
brother. Well, it didn't take long for nature to run it's course,
and get me, let's say, excited.
At
the end of the dance, she rushed away from me without a word.
This
very same thing happened with four more girls, each time getting
myself all worked up. Finally, after the fifth girl, I chased after
her to see where she was going.
It
turned out, that my brother and all of his friends were sending
these girls up to ask me to dance so they could laugh at me around
the corner as I stood there with a buldge in my pants at the end
of each dance. ha ha ha- real funny!
-David
One
day on my way to class I need to take a shit bad. So ran to a nearby
building looking for a restroom. But before I can find one I had
shit out a small among of fluid shit in my underwear. I ran into
the restroom and take off my pant and it all came out like dropping
a big bomb. The impact was strong that it went all over the toilet,
small piece of foods that I had for lunch all over the wall of the
toilet. I sat for a while and took my underwear off and rush the
toilet and wash my hands. A student came into the restroom and saw
my yellow shit underwear on the floor "what the hell happen
in here? " I smile at him "don't know, it is not me"
and ran out the door.
-C.
Back in the early 90's I was waiting in a Richdale to pay for a
soda. The line was long so I got in the back of the line. After
a moment or so this real pretty girl got in line in back of me.
I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and wanted to see if
I still "had it." I turned around and started talking
to her. It was going well. I was just about to ask for her number
when she made a joke. I snorted. If that wasn't bad enough, I made
a huge snot bubble. It was so big I could see it with my own eyes.
I looked up and her face was that of utter disgust. I turned around
and waited in line for another 2 minutes.
-Jube-e-Jube
At
the start of 5th grade, my mother and I moved to Texas. On the morning
of my first day of school, I had a fit of nervous hunger and ate
some chocolate cowboy boots that my mom's hippie redneck boyfriend
had standing on his coffee table. So off I went to school, and everything
was all right (for the first day at a new school) for a while.
Lunchtime
rolled around and we had pizza and grape juice. I had made a couple
new friends, much to my surprise, and we sat together at lunch and
walked back toward our class.
As
we walked, I began to realize that something was NOT quite right.
About5 minutes after returning to class, I went up to the teacher
and waited next to her desk for my turn to speak to her. Well, before
I got the chance it was too late, and I threw up technicolor purple
all over her and her desk.
Then
I got everything between the classroom and the boys' room. It wasn't
until later that evening after my mom came and got me from school
I found out the boots were about 80% wax, 20% chocolate, and were
responsible for the whole incident.
Hope
you like it, even if you don't use it...glad I can look back and
laugh, and glad you're doing the strip, cause it hits home and makes
me laugh and wince all at once.
-D.N.
When
I was in high school I was (as for most of my school years) a loner/loser.
The loner/loser crowd were the only ones who actually stood at the
bus stop to catch the school bus; the cool kids all stayed in their
nice warm houses until the bus showed up, then made it wait while
they sauntered out. At my bus stop, the only other person uncool
enough to actually stand out there was Lee, a blind girl who had
no choice. One cold day when we were both standing there not talking
to each other, I felt a fart coming on. I tried desperately to hold
it back, but all that did was impart a high-pitched squealing quality
to the sound, like a balloon being tortured. "What was that?!"
Lee said, startled. "I, uh, don't know," I mumbled, and
the two of us just stood there while a small poisonous cloud wafted
around to let her know that I knew *exactly* what that sound had
been. To this day, I think of myself as the kind of person who lies
to blind people...
-L.N.
Hmm...maybe
I have been a prude. Some of these stories are kinda entertaining.
-Maria
When
I was a freshman at a community college I took a photography class
with a hot young coed named Monica. We knew some of the same people
from highschool, so we hit it off and flirted for weeks... I was
a hippy-dork with longish Neil Young hair parted in the middle and
usually wore tie-dyed tee shirts and a cammo army jacket... I drove
a jacked up '72 Chevelle junker hotrod at the time, of which I was
unjustifiably proud. One morning on my way to class after a night
of drinking, I threw up while driving down a busy avenue.. I grabbed
an empty 7-11 bag and wiped the windshield so I could see.. When
I got to school, there was no time to clean up the dashboard, so
I went to the bathroom and clean up myself and went to class...
After class, Monica saw my car in front of the photography building
and knowing we both had our next class on the other side of campus
asked me for a ride. Since I couldn't refuse without looking like
a jerk, I drove her to her next class. After sitting in the sun
for 90 minutes, my car had a powerful stench to it, not to mention
unsightly vomit on the dashboard. I don't think she ever spoke to
me again....
-A.G.
Way
back in 1990 I had gone on a class field trip to one of the local
University computer labs. I was in the third grade at the time.
The computers were all green tinted monochrome with some old, archaic
processor.
The
staff sat us down and briefly showed us how to use them. We basically
chose what educational game we wanted to play from a numbered list
of choices. I chose "Make a Monster," in which you could
progressively assemble a monster by solving math problems. Needless
to say, I became engrossed in the game. This is where the trouble
came up. I don't know about the rest of human-kind, but when I get
excited (amused, not sexually) and I haven't, *ahem*, cleared my
rectum sometime within the past few hours, I feel subtle bowel movements.
There I was, fidgeting around in my seat, trying to hold it in.
2*3+4=10, what body part would you like to add? Plop! Before I knew
what happened, I accidentally let go of my muscle's tight grip on
my rectum. I shit my pants.
As
we assembled outside to get on the bus and go back to school, I
noticed some of the other kids backing off from me, making disgusted
faces. And then one of them pointed at me and yelled "Nour
shit his pants!"
I
sat in the foremost row of the bus, with the other losers.
-N.S.
In 1981 I was 18 when I had my first college interview at Dartmouth
College. I wore chinos, a striped button-down shirt, and TopSiders.
I sat in a hard wooden chair and tried to answer the interview questions
intelligently. But five minutes into the interview I felt an overwhelming
need to break wind. I tried to breathe evenly so no sharp breath
would set it off. I also tried to surreptitiously arrange my butt
in a strategic muffling position, but the combination of thin chinos
and a wooden chair without cushions made for hopelessness. The inevitable
happened. Loudly and resonantly. Five seconds later my flatulence
was followed by another resonant blast. My face went beet red and
I didn't acknowledge it in anyway other than blushing profusely.
(I didn't end up getting in to Dartmouth.)
-David
W.
When
I was 11, I was eating an apple when I had to go pee. I put the
apple in my mouth but just when I leaned forward to flush the toilet,
I dropped the apple & it plugged up the loo, causing it to overflow.
My folks were at my Grandparents house a few blocks over, so no
one was there to help me. I closed the bathroom door & ran downstairs,
turned on the TV & tried to ignore it, planning to feign ignorance.
I waited & waited for them to come home.. & then the worst
happened. I had to go number 2. Goddamned apples. I didn't dare
even enter the bathroom, so I found a jar from under the sink. I
did my business ... but I missed the jar. I hid the evidence in
the "playhouse" outside. My parents freaked out about
the toilet because you could see the apple, then my Mom found the
misdeed outside. "It's dog poo!" I pleaded. "NO THIS
IS PEOPLE POO!!"
I
was grounded for 2 weeks.
-C.
i
was moving back into my co-ed dorm for my second semester of college.
after a long drive back to campus and several trips hauling heavy
bags up to the sixth floor i felt a pressing need to take a dump.
i rushed into the communal bathroom and settled into a stall, unleashing
a stinky torrent of watery waste. just as the worst was over, i
heard a couple of people entering the bathroom and was horrified
when i realized they were girls (sisters or girlfriends of other
dorm residents i thought). they were making comments about how this
bathroom was bigger than the other one, when one of them must have
seen my feet and said "there's some one in here... oh god,
it stinks!" before they both rushed out. i sat in fear in that
stall for at least half an hour before preparing to rush back to
my room hoping they would be long gone by the time i left the bathroom.
i cautiously opened the door and peered around the hallway - all
clear. later on i discovered that the men's and ladies' bathrooms
were rotated every semester, and even worse, i recognized the voices
of the two girls living next to me as the ones in the bathroom.
i hid the brand new boots i was wearing in the back of my closet
and never wore them again that semester.
-John
when
i was in fourth grade we had to ask permission to go to the bathroom.
well, one day i really had to go. it was about 5 minutes before
school was going to let out so i went up and asked my teacher, Mr.
Busse, if i could go. in some cruel twist of fate he denied me the
access i so desperately desired supplying no reason. but i really
had to go. at the end of the day we stood for prayer,it being parochial
school and all, and i felt like i couldn't hold it any longer. Mr.Busse
was about halfway through the prayer and i just let it go. i started
peeing right in the middle of prayer and all over my favorite brown
courderoys no less. after the prayer Mr. Busse noticed what had
happend and told me to get some paper towels to clean the mess up.
well, when it was time to line up to catch the bus, the children
from the first and second grades would come into our room to wait.
as i was getting the towels, Mr. Busse scolded some first and second
graders who were actually playing in my puddle of pee! after the
mess was cleaned up, i ran to the bathroom to change into a pair
of gray courderoys that i had miraculously brought with me to school
and sat by myself on the busride home.
do
with this what you will, i just needed to share it.
-I.B.
When
I was 12, i discovered my uncle's collection of "Gallery"
and 'Oui" girlie magazines. Thinking I was cool, I ripped out
a centerfold to show to my friends at my junior high.
During
algebra class, I was looking at the illicit picture, hidden inside
my Trapper Keeper. After becoming visibly aroused, I was called
to the front of the class to complete a problem on the board.
Reluctantly,
I went up to the front of the class, holding the Trapper in front
of me. I thought I had concealed my problem, until the picture fell
onto the floor. Redfaced, I was promptly sent to the principals
office and my mom was called to pick me up.
Thanks,
a
pathetic geek named Eddie in Utah
I
once got really drunk at a friend's house when i was about 17 and
i had never drank before. So halfway through the night I had to
vomit and I ran into the bushes and vomited everywhere. I came back
and went to sleep and the next morning I woke up and reached for
my shoes and in front of everyone put them on, finding out in the
process that they were full of vomit! Something I was unaware of
the night before! The whole day people kept asking if i could smell
something, but i couldn't tell them what the smell was but i because
I was just a pathetic geeky boy with vomit in his shoes.
-Ben
As a sophmore in high school, my mother always made me eggs for
breakfast. They were good except they caused alot of trouble around
2nd period. In my English Lit class the teacher had a seating chart
that was to be followed religiously. I was stuck in a corner surrounded
by beautiful cheerleaders. One day the eggs really kicked in and
I farted while the whole class was silent, taking a test. I tried
to play it off like it was my shoe scraping the floor, but two minutes
later I farted again and all the girls looked at me in awe and disgust.
I didn't get a date till senior year.
-T.S.
Know
what? I take back what I said earlier. These stories make my eyes
sting. Ugh!
-Maria
In
college I hung out at the arcade playing this video game called
Gladiator with my buds Jeff, Jamie, and Brett. We were playing one
day when I felt the call of nature (#2). Like most people I perform
an effective papering process of the toilet seat before placing
my buttocks upon it. Back at the arcade, I step up to my turn at
Gladiator and I begin to hear some snickering from my buds. Looking
back to see what was going on, the three feigned innocence. Later
in that day, I was walking to class through the crowded college
center and I finally noticed with horror that I had 3 feet of bogroll
dangling from the back of my jeans! Geekdom at its finest.
-Mike
Back
when I was in middle school, I like every other little boy was subject
to the hard times of puberty. One day around lunch time I was walking
back from the library with the rest of my class and as we passed
through the lunch room I noticed several people laughing and giving
me funny looks. A teacher finally pointed out to me that my pants
were unzipped, and to make things worse I had an erection sticking
out from them. I never lived that day down. I'd like to remain anonymous
if my story gets picked. Thank you for your time!
I
was once traveling to a music festival in Denmark with some German
friends, & we stopped at a friend's grandmother's house in Munich
to stay the night. We all had fun & talked most of the evening.
The next morning I awoke in my underwear, unknowing that I had a
huge boner. Thinking I was the only one up, I made my way to the
bathroom, only to run into my friend's grandma who pretended not
to notice.
Later
in the car I was reprimanded severely by the grand daughter &
her friends. (Who I didn't even know that well.) Thanks!
-J.R.
